Little Talks
by gagnslausmanneskja
Summary: Jeff is hiding several secrets from his friends. And while his walls start to slip, no one notices what's going on. TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder, self-harm, suicide attempt. Prequel to Mountain Sound.
1. Screams All Sound the Same

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 1: Screams All Sound the Same

Jeff stared down at the scale and sighed. No, he hadn't gained weight, but he hadn't lost it either, and that was just as bad to him. Making a promise to not eat for the rest of the day, he stepped off the scale and checked his reflection in the bathroom mirror before stepping out of the small bathroom.

It was times like this that made Jeff happy he had a single room at Dalton. While he wouldn't mind having a roommate, it was more convenient for him to not have to worry about completely covering his body up before stepping out of the bathroom. He didn't want anyone to see his body. It wasn't perfect yet.

_Just another ten pounds._

Jeff grabbed his uniform shirt and put it on, buttoning the buttons before slipping his tie around his neck and shrugging on his blazer. While he was adjusting the collar of his shirt, he heard a muffled buzz come from his bed where his phone was deposited.

He walked over to his bed and checked his phone, smiling as he read it.

_Hey! Where are you? Breakfast is lonely without you :( - N_

Jeff smiled and shook his head. Nick Duval was Jeff's best friend. That didn't change the fact that Jeff had fallen in love with him. Not that Jeff had told him. He hadn't even come out yet, let alone confessed his crush. He knew that, while the Dalton boys would accept him, his parents would not, and Nick may figure out his crush.

For now, he would accept that he and Nick were best friends and be content with that. He didn't want to ruin this friendship, no matter what damage that caused his heart.

Jeff felt his phone buzz again in his hand and realized that he had been staring at himself in the mirror on the back of his dorm room door while he was lost in thought. He glanced down at his phone to check the new text.

_Seriously Jeff! The cafeteria is not that far from your dorm! Get down here! – N_

Jeff pocketed his phone and shook his head.

Best friends. That's it. He's not yours, and he never will be, because Nick is straight.

Jeff sighed yet again, and with a final glance in the mirror, he exited his dorm room and headed to the cafeteria for breakfast before classes started.

* * *

He entered the cafeteria and grabbed a bottle of water before heading over to sit with Nick at the Warbler's table.

"Hey Nick!" Jeff said as he slid into a seat next to his best friend.

"Jeff! Where've you been, man?"

"Oh, I just slept in. I think I stayed up to late, my stomach is a little off," Jeff said, gesturing to the bottle of water in front of him.

"Gotcha. Hope you feel better, though." Nick smiled at him before returning to his conversation with the rest of the Warblers.

Jeff tried to listen and contribute to the conversation, but he just couldn't focus. He let his mind wander to Nick. Maybe, just maybe, one day he could fall for Jeff. Maybe they could have a Disney, fairy tale ending. It was worth hoping for at least.

A plate being set down on the table in front of Jeff startled him out of his reverie.

"Hey Jeff!" Blaine smiled at Jeff before starting to eat the scrambled eggs on his plate.

"Good morning, Blaine."

"Not hungry?" Blaine asked, gesturing to the lonely water bottle.

"No, my stomach is a bit upset. It's fine, though," Jeff said, keeping his voice even and giving a small shrug.

"Uh-huh. I see. You're never really hungry anymore. Are you sure everything's okay?" Blaine was a genuinely good guy, and Jeff was touched Blaine was concerned, but nothing was wrong with Jeff. Well, nothing would be wrong with him once he lost a few pounds. Until then, Jeff saw no problem with lying about not being hungry. There was nothing wrong with a little weight loss, right?

"I'm sure. Honestly Blaine, you worry about everyone way too much." Jeff's comment was enough to distract Blaine, who agreed with Jeff before he also turned and joined in on the Warbler's conversation.

Jeff stood with the rest of the boys when the bell rang signaling the start of first period was about to begin. Jeff said goodbye to the rest of them and started walking with Blaine towards first period chemistry.

Fortunately, the chemistry teacher was absent and there was a substitute, who simply put in a video about voltaic cells and asked that the class be quiet for the remainder of the video. Jeff closed his eyes and allowed his mind to wander since he had already learned about voltaic cells last year in the chemistry class he had taken before transferring to Dalton.

Before long, Jeff's mind once again wandered to Nick. Jeff couldn't exactly place when the transition from best friend to romantic interest had occurred. But it had been at least a year now, and Jeff was still nursing a sore heart from his unrequited crush.

Every time Jeff had tried to tell Nick about his crush, or that he was gay, he became nervous and would quickly think of something to ask about school to ask instead of coming out. He didn't want to tell Nick he was gay for fear Nick would think he had a crush, which he did. But Jeff was terrified of the rejection, at the same time aware of the possibility of their friendship becoming more.

After all, Nick Duval was an accepting guy. Many of the Warblers had come out, and Nick had accepted all of them with open arms. Jeff had no reason to doubt that Nick would love him all the same.

_Maybe it won't change anything. Maybe he won't figure out the crush. Maybe he'll just take it as you trusting him, because you're best friends._

That was a safe assumption to make. Smiling, Jeff opened his eyes as the chemistry video ended and the bell rang, signaling the switch to second period, which Jeff had with Nick.

Jeff smiled and stood, walking quickly to English. He was going to tell Nick today.


	2. Unless We'll Meet Again Soon

**A/N: **wow, thank you guys for all of the alerts :) it means a lot.

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men.

Warning: Homophobia, self-harm, slightly course language.

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 2: Unless We'll Meet Again Soon

Jeff eagerly walked into his English classroom and looked around for Nick. He wasn't there yet, so Jeff seated himself and started pulling the notebooks he needed out of his bag. Two minutes later, the bell rang and class started, and still Nick didn't show up.

Jeff started to get nervous, and while his teacher was writing notes on the board he decided to text his best friend.

_Nick, where are you? Class started seven minutes ago. – J_

Jeff started copying notes from the board and felt his phone buzz on his lap.

_Sorry man, I got called to the guidance department. I won't be there for the rest of class. Sorry – N_

_No, it's fine. Is everything okay? – J_

_Yep, everything's fine, see you later. – N_

Jeff looked down at his phone and remembered what he had decided just fifteen minutes ago.

_Are you busy later? – J_

_Just with homework and stuff, why? – N_

_I really need to talk to someone. – J_

_Sure man, come around to my dorm tonight at six? – N_

_Yeah, see you then. – J_

Jeff put his phone in his pocket and continued taking notes.

* * *

The rest of the day dragged on, and as Jeff had no more classes with Nick, he thought about what he was going to say during the remaining five classes, hiding in the library during his lunch period.

Jeff walked back to his dorm at four and sat down. He tried to do his homework, but his mind wandered so much that he gave up and just sat on his bed and listened to music until six.

Six o'clock came, and Jeff found himself walking to Nick's dorm, which was just down the hall. He knocked on Nick's door and stepped back, clasping his hands together in front of him.

Nick answered the door less than a minute later.

"Jeff! Come on in!" Nick smiled at Jeff and pulled the door open a little wider. Jeff smiled back and walked into the room. Nick also had a single room, so they didn't have to worry about Nick having roommate who might listen to their conversation.

Nick pushed the door shut and Jeff turned around to face him.

"So, what's up man?" Nick asked. Jeff couldn't make eye contact, instead opting to look at the carpet. He wrung his hands together and this action did not go unnoticed by Nick. "Seriously, what's up? You look nervous."

_Just do it, Jeff. Tell him now._ Jeff looked up at Nick and saw his friend staring at him with worry and concern in his eyes.

"Nick, I – have you ever questioned yourself?"

Nick narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, of course, who hasn't? But what are you questioning, exactly?"

"Nothing, I just – I'm not questioning so much, anymore, I just don't know if I should say it, because what if you judge? And you – we're best friends Nick, and I don't want to screw this up and I don't want you to judge me, because I'm still me, you know? I'm still me, I haven't changed, and I don't want that to change in your mind and I just don't know –"

"Whoa, whoa, Jeffie, calm down man. Just breathe. Breathe, man. Yeah, just like that. It's okay man, I promise. Whatever it is, please, just tell me."

Jeff walked in between the end of Nick's bed and wall and leaned against the wall. He slid down so he was sitting on the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest. Nick moved and sat down with his back against the bed, legs crossed in front of him.

"Please, man. _Please._ Tell me."

Jeff looked up from his knees. Nick scooted closer so he was right in front of Jeff and grabbed Jeff's hands. He squeezed slightly, and this gave Jeff the courage he needed. Jeff squeezed his eyes closed tight and tried to say it as quickly as possible. "Nick, I – I'm gay. Alright, there it is. I'm gay. I've known this for a while, and I've tried to change it, and I've questioned it for months, but I know it's true."

Jeff kept his eyes closed and just focused on breathing. It was then that he noticed Nick's hands were no longer holding his. He opened his eyes and looked up, confused.

Nick was sitting back against the bed, staring at Jeff. And that look in his eyes made Jeff's heart fall. Because Nick wasn't look at Jeff with judgment, he was looking at Jeff with disgust.

"You're joking, right?"

"No, Nick, I'm not. Why would I lie about this?"

Nick stood up quickly and walked to his desk on the other side of the room. He pulled the chair out and sat down on it, facing Jeff.

"What the hell, man? You've dated women before! You've gone on double dates with me and my girlfriends."

"I know, I know I've dated girls in the past. But Nick, I didn't feel anything. There's no attraction there for me, but with guys, or at least one guy, I feel that attraction. Doesn't that make me gay?"

"So you're actually attracted to a guy?"

"Yes. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I was still figuring things out."

Jeff watched Nick's face. He seemed to be processing everything Jeff just told him, and, eventually, his eyes finally settled on understanding. Jeff smiled and was about to ask Nick if he was okay with this when Nick spoke before him.

"Get the hell out of my room."

"W-what?" Jeff sputtered.

"You heard me. Get out. You're a fag, man. I don't want that in my room. It's disgusting."

Jeff stared at Nick and felt hot tears prick behind his eyes. "Nick.. you can't be serious."

"Get out!" Nick screamed at him. He stood from where he was sitting and walked over to Jeff. He grabbed the front of Jeff's blazer and hauled him up before pushing him into the door.

Jeff grabbed the handle and sprinted out of the room. He didn't know where he was running to. He was only vaguely aware that he was starting to get tired when he realized where he had run to.

He was in the art room. Jeff couldn't figure out why he would run here, of all places. But nevertheless, he worked his way to the back of the room and sat down on the floor next to a shelving unit.

What the hell had just happened?

_You made him uncomfortable, idiot. What's wrong with you? Obviously something if that's the reaction he had._

I knew that was right. I messed up. I had made my best friend feel awkward around me, and now I was paying the price.

Jeff felt the tears behind his eyes give way and heard a broken sob escape his lips. He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, lowering his head onto his knees and he continued to sob and tears kept running down his face.

_You deserve this, Jeff._

He did. He did deserve to feel this. He hurt his friend and now he was hurting. It only made sense that he deserved this.

He raised his head and looked around the art room. He never spent much time in here, as he wasn't very artistic. Nothing really caught his eye, so he leaned his head back and turned it slightly to the right, looking at the shelves behind him that he was leaning against. A small, silver gleam caught his eye.

He reached over and grabbed the object and brought it closer to his face. It was an exacto knife.

_You deserve pain, Jeff._

He clenched his eyes shut and tears leaked out of both of his eyes. He took his blazer off and rolled up the left sleeve of his dress shirt. He brought the knife down to his arm and pressed lightly, moving the knife across his arm.

A small, thin line of red appeared. It wasn't enough to do more than bead a little in the cut before drying. It hurt. It hurt like hell, but Jeff took it with a smile. He brought the knife back to his arm and added more pressure. The next cut bled immediately, enough to have a small drop of blood run down his arm.

It wasn't enough. He put the knife against his arm and pushed down hard. Blood ran down his arm in rivulets. He pushed the arm to his knife again and again and watched the blood run down his arm and stain his shirt and pants. His blood was pooling on the floor and he cut himself again as one thought beat across his mind.

_You deserve it, you deserve it._

* * *

PSA: Self-harm and eating disorders are serious. If you or someone you know is dealing with one or both of these, please be a friend and tell someone. It's the only way to get better.


	3. I Watched You Disappear

**A/N: **This chapter is from Nick's perspective, so you can understand what he's thinking and why he's being such a terrible person. Sorry for how short it is.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men.

Warning: Minor coarse language.

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 3: I Watched You Disappear

The last thing I saw was Jeff flinging himself from the room and slamming the door behind him. I sit down on my bed and a sob escapes my chest. I feel tears crawl into my eyes and I let them fall, not even bothering to wipe them away.

_Oh Jeff. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. _

Because I wasn't mad. I wasn't judgmental and I wasn't disgusted by him. It was so much more complicated than that.

I got off my bed and started pacing my room, thinking hard. Jeff had just come out to me. Jeff, my best friend in the entire world, had just told me he's gay. And I actually physically threw him out of the room.

Another tear escaped from my eyes. The rejection Jeff must be feeling right now must be unbelievable. He had been so nervous, but he told me, and now I had cut him to the core and he's probably somewhere right now crying.

_But it's not that __you__ mind his sexuality. _True, Nick didn't mind that Jeff's gay. The opposite, in fact. He was actually happy that Jeff was, and that he came out to Nick. But the problem is that he can't return the action.

_Ahh, there it is Nick. You're a coward. _

Shut up, Nick urged himself. But he couldn't help it.

_Jeff came out to you, and you were upset because you couldn't come out to him in return._

There it is. Nick's biggest secret.

Nick had been raised in an extremely right wing family. And while he knew there was nothing wrong with being gay, living with his parents had forced Nick to becoming internally homophobic. He was terrified of having to come out to his parents, terrified of the rejection that he would receive from the people he loved.

_Like you just did to Jeff?_

Shut up! Nick stopped his pacing and slid down against his wall, sitting where Jeff had been half an hour previously. Jeff is different, Nick reasoned. Jeff can come out to his friends and his family and they would all accept him. But Nick wasn't so lucky.

He knew what would happen. Yes, all the Dalton boys would accept him, but his parents would disown him. And what would he do then? He needed his family; he was still dependent on them and still cared about them. He didn't want to hurt them, and he didn't want to disappoint them. If only he had the luxury of being able to come out like Jeff.

_Admit it. You're jealous, Nick. Jealous of a boy you just called a fag. Jealous of a boy who's crying his eyes out as you sit here. How pathetic._

Nick buried his face in his knees and let the sobs wrack his body. It was true. He was jealous. Jealous of the person he just made feel like shit.

God damn it! Nick pushed himself to his feet and left his room. He needed to find Jeff.


	4. Cause the Truth May Vary

**A/N: **Thank you everyone for all the feedback :) it really does help.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men.

Warning: Self-harm, self-hate, coarse language.

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 4: Cause the Truth May Vary

Jeff didn't even know how long he sat in the art room just staring at his pool of blood. It was kind of beautiful, in a way. It was there because he wanted it to be there, there because he made it be there. This time, he had hurt himself instead of allowing only other to hurt him. It was sort of nice.

"Jeff? You in here?" Jeff froze where he was sitting. He recognized Nick's voice and he couldn't think of anyone he wanted to see less right now. He was careful to breathe very softly and after a few seconds he heard the footsteps turn and walk down the hall.

Jeff let his breath out a little more loudly and quickly. That had been close. He didn't want Nick near him right now. He knew what Nick would say. _Jeff you're gay, Jeff you're disgusting, Jeff I hate you._

And Jeff knew these things. He knew he was disgusting, he knew he was horrible and unlovable and he deserved every last bad thing that ever happened to him.

Tears pricked at his eyes again, but he didn't want to cry. He grabbed the knife he had put down and dragged it yet again across his arm and relished the pain that shot through the wound. Every time the pain started to fade, he'd make another cut on his arm and let the blood flow freely.

A thought crossed his mind as to what Nick would think if he saw Jeff in this state. _He'd probably laugh. _Probably. Tears yet again sprung to Jeff's eyes. But this time, a pain erupted inside of him, in his heart. He dropped the knife again and brought his knees up to hug them. Loud sobs wracked his body and he did nothing to control them.

"Jeff? Jeff, I can hear you." That wasn't Nick's voice, but Jeff couldn't identify whose it was. Jeff didn't care anyway. He didn't move or stop his crying. It wasn't until he heard a small gasp that he even bothered to look up.

Blaine was standing near Jeff, looking down at him with shock. Jeff followed Blaine's eyes from the knife near his legs to the small pool of blood to Jeff's arms.

"Oh, Jeff!" Blaine moved forward to the broken boy and sat next to him. He engulfed Jeff in his arms. This action only caused Jeff to cry harder as he leaned into Blaine's shoulder.

"What have you done?" Blaine breathed out as he tightened his hold on Jeff.

"I'm sorry!" Jeff sobbed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Shh, shh, please Jeff, it's okay, it'll be okay, just breathe, okay?" Blaine continued to whisper reassurances into Jeff's ear as his hands rubbed comforting circles into the younger boy's back.

After a while, Jeff finally managed to control his breathing and stopped crying. He pulled away from Blaine and shifted to a more comfortable position. Blaine reached out and took his hand.

"Why did you do this, Jeff?" Blaine asked. His eyes looked watery and Jeff's heart hurt when he realized he had upset Blaine. He couldn't do anything right.

"I don't know, Blaine. I just ended up here, and the knife was right there, and it just seemed like the right thing to do –"

Blaine cut Jeff off. "What do you mean, 'the right thing to do'? Did someone tell you to do this?" Blaine's eyes had already narrowed in anger.

"No! No, no one said anything. I've just been curious about it, that's all." Jeff hoped Blaine wouldn't be able to see through the lie.

No such luck. "That's bullshit, Jeff, and we both know it. You're in here crying your eyes out with your entire left arm completely destroyed. This wasn't curiosity, you did this intentionally. Why?"

"I'm sorry, Blaine, I really am."

"What? What are you sorry for?"

"Blaine?"

"Yes?"

"How'd you do it?"

"How did I do what, Jeff?"

"Come out. How did you do it?"

"You mean, you're..?"

"Yes. Yeah, I'm gay. There, I said it. I'm gay. And people don't like that and I don't know how you deal with it. How is it okay for you?"

"You did this because someone rejected you for being gay?"

Jeff didn't affirm this question, but he dropped his head and avoided eye contact with Blaine. That was affirmation enough for Blaine.

"Jeff, I am so, so sorry. You shouldn't have had to deal with that, no one should. But please, Jeff, look at me." Jeff hesitantly raised his eyes to Blaine's. "Please, please promise me that you aren't going to hurt yourself anymore. You're worth so much more than that. You mean something to me, you're an amazing friend, and you have parents who love you. Please, Jeff, don't do this."

Jeff just shook his head. "I don't know Blaine. I really messed up. If people are saying these things to me, if they're saying I'm awful and disgusting, isn't there some truth to that? People don't just say those things, there's a reason. What if the reason is that it's true? I deserve this pain, Blaine."

"No, Jeff, no! You don't deserve this, there's nothing you could have possibly done to deserve feeling like this!" Blaine was nearly in tears at this point, but it did nothing but make Jeff feel more worthless. "Please Jeff."

Jeff looked up at Blaine. He knew what Blaine wanted to hear. But it was the opposite of the truth. Jeff quickly ran through the option of whether to appease Blaine or to give him the honest answer.

"Okay. I promise Blaine. If I feel like doing this again, I'll go to you, okay? I'll make sure I let someone know so they can look after me when I'm feeling down." _You're fucking lying through your teeth._

Jeff bit his tongue and looked at Blaine. The older boy still had tears in his eyes, but he at least offered Jeff a watery smile. Blaine moved forward to hug Jeff tightly.

"Thank you, Jeff."

"Why were you looking for me, anyway?"

"What? Oh, Nick's looking for you. He was really worried, so I offered to help. I heard you crying and followed the sound to here."

Jeff's stomach dropped uncomfortably. Nick was still looking for him. He prayed the boy wouldn't find him. Because while Blaine was accepting and seemed to genuinely care, Jeff was sure that he would immediately break the promise he just made to Blaine if he saw Nick.

Blaine eventually stopped hugging Jeff and leaned back. "Come on, it's late and we need to sleep, even if tomorrow is Saturday."

"Yeah, okay." Blaine offered his hand to Jeff, which Jeff took. Blaine turned around and starting walking away, though he stopped when he noticed Jeff wasn't following him.

"Jeff?"

"You go ahead. There's blood on the floor, it'll only take me a second to clean up."

"Need any help?"

"No, no, you go ahead. I promise Blaine, I won't do anything."

Blaine nodded and left the room. True to his word, Jeff only cleaned up his blood from the floor. However, he leaned down one more time and took the knife that he had used to hurt himself and pocketed it. _Just in case._


	5. I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

**A/N: **Back to Jeff's perspective. Thank you everyone for all of the alerts :) this is the longest chapter so far, nearly 2,000 words. I'm still experimenting with length to see what length works the best. This is only going to be eight/nine chapters long and I don't want the last few to be massively long and these ones to be short.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men.

Warning: Very triggering chapter! Self-harm, self-hate, mild coarse language, eating disorders, thoughts of suicide.

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 5: I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Jeff doesn't remember actually walking to his room last night, but he must have since he woke up fully clothed in his bed. He glanced at his alarm clock on his night stand, which told him that it was currently 6:15 in the morning. It's a Saturday morning, and Jeff could sleep in, but his mind immediately started working. He didn't want to think about Nick, so pulled out his laptop and started wasting his time online when, not much, later, he heard a tentative knock on his door.

Jeff stood from his bed and walked over to the door, opening it after looking through the small hole in the door. Blaine stood there in casual clothes and looked slightly uncomfortable, but as soon as he saw Jeff he smiled.

"Hey! Can I come in?"

"Of course." Jeff stood back and allowed Blaine to walk into his room. He shut the door and walked over to where Blaine had settled himself on Jeff's bed. "What's up?"

"Well you know, I was up early and I was around.. Well, honestly, I just wanted to check up on you. I'm really worried about you. Cutting yourself isn't okay, Jeff. It really isn't. And I know that last night you said you wouldn't do it again, and I trust that you didn't again last night, but I'm not naïve enough to believe that you won't ever do it again. So I just wanted to stop by and make sure you know that I was always be here for you. I won't tell anyone; it's your secret, and therefore it's your information to tell people. But Jeff, you have to understand that if you keep this up and keep hurting yourself, I'm going to have to tell someone. Not the Warblers or any students, but your parents, or at least the Dean. I can't just sit here and know that you're still actively hurting yourself and not do anything about it."

Blaine had rushed this speech out, and Jeff could tell that Blaine had practiced this in his head before coming to find Jeff.

"I understand, Blaine. And I swear I didn't do anything else last night. I promise I will go to you if things start to get too bad. Really, I do promise. I'm sorry you had to see me like that last night."

"No, I don't want you to apologize. Let's just not let that happen again, okay?"

"Okay," Jeff agreed. No, he very well won't let that happen again. He planned on hiding it much better from now on and knew just how to do it. Blaine would never have to know.

"So, want to go get breakfast? I didn't see you in the cafeteria yesterday during dinner so you must be really hungry."

"I'm really not that hungry," Jeff replied, and right on queue his stomach growled. _Traitor._

"Yeah, you're clearly not hungry," Blaine said, rolling his eyes.

Blaine stood up and held a hand out to Jeff. "Get up. We're going to get breakfast, and you're going to eat. I don't want to see you have a problem with eating too."

Jeff simply laughed. "No, I don't have a problem with eating." _Liar. _"I really am just not that hungry. Still just a little shook up from last night, is all." _Blaine deserves better than to have to call you a friend._

"Yeah, I get it, and that makes perfect sense. But really, you do have to eat."

"You're right. Just let me change out of my old clothes."

Blaine waited on Jeff's bed while Jeff grabbed fresh clothes out of his dresser and stepped into his small bathroom to change. As Jeff took his old shirt off, the small shift moved something slightly heavy against his thigh. Curious, Jeff reached his hand into his pocket and withdrew the knife he had used last night.

Jeff hadn't thought of hurting himself now, especially since Blaine was near him, only a thin door separating them. But now that the knife was in his hand, he couldn't resist. But he had to be secretive about this. _Put it somewhere where he won't notice. Like your stomach. But put it above your navel, that way if your shirt rides up no one will see._

But what if he wanted people to see? Jeff didn't like the thought of constant secrecy and wasn't even sure that he wanted to be cutting himself.

_No. Hide it. You heard Blaine, he's going to tell the Dean if he notices any new cuts. You need to hide this, Jeff._

Jeff sighed and did as his mind told him. He pulled his shirt off and positioned the small blade about an inch below his lowest rib. Suddenly overcome with anger at Nick and the fact that his best friend had rejected him, Jeff shoved the blade down deep into his skin and dragged it straight across his stomach towards the other side of his ribs. He ended up with a long line going right across his stomach.

_Well at least there's something straight about you now._

Shut up! Jeff screamed at himself. He dug the blade yet again into his stomach, this time purposely arching the cut so that it was curved and intersected the first cut. There, that was better he decided. He quickly cleaned the wounds and continued undressing.

"Jeff? You okay in there?" Blaine noticed that Jeff had been taking a while. Unfortunately, Jeff already started getting better at lying.

"Yeah, no worries. The pants and the shirt I grabbed were both inside out. It's hell trying to unravel them. But I got it, just give me one second to fix my hair."

Instead of fixing his hair, he took the time to make sure that his cuts were completely covered and wouldn't seep through his t-shirt. Once he was sure everything was secure, he stepped out of the bathroom and Blaine gestured to the door. Jeff nodded and they both left the dorm room and headed to the cafeteria for breakfast.

The smell of food hit Jeff as he and Blaine walked into the cafeteria. And damn, it smelled so _good._ Jeff wanted to grab as much food as he could and eat it all.

_I don't think so. You want to be fat? Then Nick will be right, you really will be disgusting. How about you prove Nick wrong instead of stuffing your face? Lose more weight Jeff, and you need to starve in order to do that._

Jeff grabbed a bottle of water and small apple to appease Blaine. Blaine, however, wasn't sold. "I don't think so Jeff. You need to actually eat. Go sit down, I'll bring you some food." Jeff didn't feel like arguing, so he just nodded and went to find a small booth to sit down in. Blaine appeared a few minutes later and put a plate down in front of Jeff and himself.

Pancakes, bacon, and some toast topped with scrambled eggs. Jeff didn't want to take a single bite, but God, it looked so _good_ and he was so hungry. He took a hesitant bite of the toast and eggs and swallowed it before devouring the rest of the toast and moving on to the rest of the food on his plate. He ate everything and was still hungry. He considered going back for a second plate when he heard Blaine laughing.

"God Jeff, seriously? You tell me you're not hungry, and then you sit here and eat 2,000 calories in under five minutes." Blaine continued to chuckle as he ate his own food.

That last sentence resonated in Jeff's head.

_2,000 calories in under five minutes._

_You just ate 2,000 fucking calories, Jeff._

Jeff was horrified. What had he done? Now he was going to be fat and ugly and Nick would be right, he'd be disgusting, and then he definitely would deserve the pain he inflicted on himself.

_Go throw it up. Now, before you have a chance to digest it._

"Sorry Blaine, I just remembered that I promised I'd call my mom this morning and make plans for next weekend. I'll see you soon though, yeah?"

"Yeah, of course man. See you later."

Jeff all but ran from the cafeteria to the nearest bathroom. He checked quickly to make sure it was empty and then locked himself in a stall and fell to his knees. He had never done this before, but he knew the idea of it. He stuck two of his fingers in his mouth and moved them towards the back of his throat. He felt his gag reflex react to the intrusion and he gagged, but didn't throw up. He pushed his fingers back farther and eventually felt his gag reflex give way. He moved his fingers out of his mouth just in time as his entire breakfast came up and out of his mouth. Yes, it was terrible. But it really wasn't that terrible. Jeff checked to make sure that he had successfully thrown up everything, and once only stomach acid came up he was satisfied. He stood up and flushed the toilet before exiting and washing his mouth out at one of the bathroom's sinks.

Jeff smiled at his reflection. He did it. He ate a full meal, made Blaine believe there was nothing wrong with his eating habits, and managed to retain zero calories. He was pretty proud of himself.

_Oh, please, that's nothing to be proud of._

What?

_Seriously Jeff? You're proud of yourself for being weak enough that you need to vomit everything that touches your lips? You think that's strength? You shouldn't have eaten anything to begin with._

He knew that. And he was upset he allowed himself to eat in the first place, but really, wasn't this for the best? He pleased Blaine and it was almost like he hadn't eaten anyway.

_You're pathetic. It's not like you even want Blaine's approval, you only want Nick's. But you're not going to get that if you keep stuffing your mouth, will you?_

Please, stop it, Jeff willed himself.

_You really are pathetic. What's the point of living Jeff, really? Are you really that special? Are you really that unique? No. You're not needed. Blaine's only trying to make you feel better because he's a nice guy. He'd do that for anyone. He doesn't actually care, not enough. It'd be so easy to die, Jeff.._

No. Jeff refused to even acknowledge the thought. He wasn't that weak, he wouldn't take his own life because he was going through something difficult. He just had to make himself a little more perfect for Nick. Just stop eating so much. If it gets too hard, just make a few little cuts on your body in a hidden place. After you lose the weight, Nick will be right back by your side.

Jeff shook his head at his reflection. He would never kill himself. He means too much to the people around him. With a final glance at his reflection and left the bathroom, on a search to find a room that had no sharp objects.

* * *

**A/N: **gahhh, I'm sorry. I can't even apologize enough. Poor Jeffie.

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	6. Don't Listen To a Word I Say

**A/N: **I just want to clarify something. Jeff is absolutely convinced that Nick hates him and just wants to put him down. And Jeff believes what Nick said about him being awful. That's why Jeff is doing this; he feels as though he really does deserve to be in pain.

Also, I think I'm going to rewrite this chapter from Nick's perspective for next chapter. Sound good?

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men.

Warning: Eating disorder, graphic self-harm, drug abuse, suicide attempt.

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 6: Don't Listen To a Word I Say

Jeff managed to hide everything for nearly two months. December was quickly approaching and the Dalton students talked constantly about the nearing winter break. Jeff was indifferent. He didn't want to go home and pretend that he was perfectly happen while constantly shoving his fingers down his throat, but he also didn't want to stay at Dalton and see Nick every day. Nick had made many attempts to talk to Jeff during the semester, but Jeff avoided him. He was barely hanging on as it was, and he didn't want to have to deal with Nick telling him how awful he was.

The final bell rang during class, signaling the end of the day. Jeff stood and gathered his notebooks before leaving the classroom. He allowed himself to be swept up in the crowded hallway, only making an attempt to move when he neared a staircase that would lead him to his dorm. He really didn't feel good, and he couldn't figure out why. He figured if he went to his room he could try to sleep it off. Or cut.

Jeff walked into his room and felt his stomach clench tightly.

_You idiot. You ate breakfast with the Warblers and never threw it up. _Shit.

Jeff immediately ducked into his small bathroom, making sure to shut and lock the door behind him. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet and stuck two fingers to the back of his throat. He briefly noticed that his two fingers were starting to look yellow and had sores on them.

_It's worth it. Besides, no one will look at your fingers. Just do it._

Jeff pressed his fingers as far down his throat as he possibly could and felt the familiar feeling of his food coming back up his throat. However, not that much came up. Confused, Jeff tried to throw up again, but only stomach acid laced with small bits of food came up. What was going on? He definitely had eaten more than this.

_You've already digested it. Well done, Jeff. All of those pancakes are going straight to your stomach. You're going to be fat. I hope you're happy. Nick was right, you're disgusting._

Stop it, just please stop. Jeff didn't even think twice about arguing with himself. It was happening so often that he thought nothing of it.

Determined to see if the thoughts were right, Jeff took his shirt off and looked at himself in the mirror over his sink. Jeff felt his breath catch in his throat as he stared at his body properly for the first time in months. Fat pooled all over his stomach. Fat hung off of his hips and his arms. _Why the hell did I eat breakfast? This is disgusting, why did I let myself get this bad? I just won't eat anymore, no matter what. Only water._

Jeff couldn't stop staring at himself in the mirror.

"I'm disgusting," he whispered to himself. He hadn't eaten much in so long, and now that he had eaten a meal, all that hard work had been for nothing.

Anger lashed through Jeff. Why couldn't he be perfect? Why couldn't just one thing go right for him? He wanted more than anything than to just please everyone and he couldn't even do something as simple as lose a little weight.

_Worthless, Jeff. That's all you'll ever be._

Jeff closed his eyes. He spread his arms against the counter surrounding the sink and hung his head. _I know._

And that was when Jeff knew it was over for him. When he not only did what this small voice in his head was telling him to do, but the small voice was actually his thoughts. He had gotten to the point where he hated himself so much that he could now only see one option.

"Jeff? You in there?"

Jeff barely registered the voice. It was Nick, yes, but he didn't care much right now. He made his decision, and he had locked the bathroom door. Nick couldn't get to him in here. Actually, it was good that Nick was standing right there. It would make it easier to do what needed to be done.

"Jeff, seriously, we really need to talk. And I know you're in there, doors only lock from the inside. Please, unlock the door."

Jeff opened his eyes and raised his head slightly to see himself in the mirror. The shadows under his eyes were nearly black and his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep and food. He lowered his eyes to his exposed arms and chest. Cuts, ranging from entirely healed to brand new and barely healed, covered his body.

_You did this to yourself, Jeff. How can you blame Nick for that? Did he cut you? Did he make you eat or not eat? This isn't his fault._

"No, it isn't," Jeff whispered to himself. It was his own fault. Jeff may have pinned his behavior on Nick, but deep down, Jeff knew that it wasn't just Nick. Nick had been the finally tipping point. Jeff had hated himself for a long time. He used Nick as a reason to hurt himself that way he knew he deserved. Because deep down, Jeff knew this wasn't Nick. This was Jeff. This self-hatred and angry little voice was the real Jeff, the one that knew the truth. The Jeff that knew what needed to be done. Jeff accepted this and took a deep breath.

"Jeff, please. I'm begging you, please just let me in." Nick continued to pound on the door, though Jeff completely ignored him. Jeff walked over to the small cabinet near his sink. He opened it and rifled through the small bottles that were inside. His hands settled on a small one near the back.

Though he had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, it seemed to have sorted itself out on its own, and Jeff never needed to take anything for it. However, his parents bought him the medicine just in case. Jeff stared at the small, faded label.

_Adderall_

_10mg tablets_

_To be taken twice a day_

Jeff knew what he was doing. He looked up the effects of overdosing on Adderall. Confusion, shakiness, organ damage, hallucinations; the list went on and on. The third effect was the one that caught his eye. _Organ damage. Damage, Jeff. You can do this. _

Jeff popped the top of the lid off the small bottle and poured a few pills into his palm. He slapped his hand against his mouth right away, feeling the small pills hit his tongue. He swallowed, the pills not getting stuck on the way down. He took three more handfuls of the pills before he set it down on the ground.

_Nick's not talking anymore. He probably gave up, _Jeff reasoned. No matter, he had plans for what he wanted to do and it was easier to focus when Nick wasn't distracting him.

Jeff grabbed the knife he stole from the art room that he kept in his shower. He brought it down to his chest and started hacking at his skin. Blood rushed from the wounds but Jeff was unrelenting. He brought the knife back down to his skin again and again. Once he started feeling dizzy, whether from blood loss or the drugs, Jeff smiled. He moved the knife to his left wrist. He ran the knife across it before switching hands and doing the same to his right wrist, both times feeling the snag of a vein. Blood poured from all of his wounds. He stared at them for a few seconds before reaching for the bottle of pills he set down earlier. He tapped a few more into his hand and put them in his mouth, swallowing as soon as he could.

Jeff was vaguely aware that the pounding was back at the door. But this time, it sounded stronger in a way, as if Nick wasn't the only person hitting the door, or someone stronger than Nick was ramming into the door. Either way, Jeff didn't care. He settled himself comfortably on the floor and allowed himself to peacefully drift. And drift he would have, if not for the sudden screaming in his ear. Jeff forced his eyes open momentarily, enough to see Blaine's terrified face a few feet away and Nick's face just inches from Jeff's.

Nick's eyes held so much pain that Jeff would've hugged him right there if he had the energy.

"What the fuck, Jeff? What did you do?"

Jeff allowed himself to smile before closing his eyes once more and finally drifting off.

* * *

Oh, Jeff. :/ I should have the next chapter from Nick's perspective up sometime later today.

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	7. All That's Left is a Ghost of You

**A/N: **As promised, this is Nick's perspective on the last chapter. Also, remember when I said about working out length so that the chapters would all be relatively the same length and the final chapters wouldn't be enormous? Yeah… I may have lied about that. This is about 1,000 words longer than the longest previous chapter :/ Sorry. Oh well, hopefully you'll enjoy this anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men.

Warning: Eating disorder, minor coarse language, drug abuse, self-harm, suicide attempt.

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 7: All That's Left is a Ghost of You

Jeff had been avoiding Nick since Nick threw him out of his dorm. Nick saw how uncomfortable Jeff became whenever Nick was around, so Nick decided to give him space and let Jeff approach him whenever he became comfortable. However, Jeff never approached Nick, and two months later, Nick started to worry.

Every morning, the Warblers gathered at the same table in the cafeteria for breakfast. While most of the boys loaded up their plates with eggs and bacon, Jeff consistently only had a bottle of water in front of him. Nick could tell Jeff was losing a lot of weight, but he kept his mouth shut and decided to keep an eye on Jeff.

This morning on a cold December Saturday, the Warblers took their seats and their usual table. Nick sat eating his meal, though his eyes kept flicking to Jeff. Jeff sat with his bent, staring down at the table with a solitary bottle of water in front of him. Nick heard someone clear their throat next to him, and turned to see Blaine.

"What?" Nick asked and focused his eyes back on Jeff.

"I'm worried about him, too. He's lost a lot of weight. I've tried to bring it up a few times, but he keeps shutting me out. We need to do something." Blaine looked at Jeff and concern flashed across his face.

"I know. But he doesn't want our help or he would've said something. We should just leave him alone and make sure he knows that we're all here for him."

Blaine bit his bottom lip and looked at Jeff while his eyes glazed over as he was deep in thought. "Alright. We'll let it go for now. But if he loses much more weight, we really need to do something."

"Agreed."

* * *

The rest of classes went by quickly and Nick found himself in the library last period with Blaine, both of their heads bent over books in their laps.

"Nick?"

"Hm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Mmm," Nick grunted.

"Nick, please." Nick finished reading the sentence he was on before raising his head to meet Blaine's eyes. The two boys were sitting in an aisle opposite each other, both of their backs resting against the shelves.

"Sure, go ahead, ask me."

"What's wrong with you and Jeff?" Nick felt his breath catch in his chest.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Well, it's just, every time you two are near each other, he looks so sad and uncomfortable. And whenever he's not around, he still does look sad, but he seems less awkward. Like, he lets himself relax whenever you're not around. What's that about?"

Nick sucked in a deep breath. "Can I tell you? You're going to get really angry with me, and I can't blame you for that, but just hear me out and don't judge until I'm finished, okay?"

Confusion clouded Blaine's eyes, but he nodded. Nick closed the book in his lap and put it down on the floor next to him. He was quiet for a few minutes as he gathered his thoughts. Blaine remained silent and allowed Nick time to think. Nick shut his eyes and lowered his head before he began to speak.

"I messed up," Nick whispered. "I messed up so badly. Jeff came to me one day a few months ago and said he needed to talk. I didn't think much of it and told him to come see me later that night. He did, and he was so nervous, Blaine. I've never seen him so nervous. I told him to relax and said that he could trust me with anything. He slid down against one of the walls in my room and curled up on himself. I was scared, Blaine. I've never seen someone look that broken. I went over to him and tried to comfort him. I guess it worked, because he eventually calmed down enough to tell me he's gay."

Nick was quiet for a little bit too long. "So, why are things awkward between you?" Blaine prompted.

"Because I yelled at him. I called him terrible things and physically threw him out of my room."

Nick looked up and met Blaine's eyes. Blaine had narrowed them and Nick could see the anger in them. "What the hell, Nick?" Blaine spit out in a whisper. "Seriously? You accepted me, but you can't accept your best friend? Since when are you homophobic?"

"I'm not!" Nick quieted insisted. "It's just.. It's different for you to come out than it is for Jeff to come out."

"Why?"

"No, wait, I didn't mean it like that. It's exactly the same for him to come out as it is for you, it's just, Jeff is different because the feelings there are different."

"So, it's okay for me to be gay because we're not best friends, but because Jeff is your best friend, it's not okay for him?"

"No! It's okay for him to be, it's more than okay."

"I'm really confused, Nick."

Nick sighed heavily. "Blaine, I just –" Nick took in a deep breath. "It's different for Jeff to come out because I'm in love with him."

Blaine's faced flashed with surprise and confusion. "What? Since when are you..?"

"I don't know, I don't even know when these feelings developed, I just know they're there, okay? And I can't validate what I did to Jeff because the reason I was so awful to him is pathetic. I was angry. He can come out to everyone and everyone would accept him. I don't have that luxury."

"What are you talking about? You know we would all accept you –"

"Yeah, maybe the Warblers would. But my parents wouldn't. You don't know them Blaine, so don't even give me the whole 'they'll love you anyway' crap. They really hate people like me, they were happy when the heard about all the teenage gay suicides, they really think that it's wrong. They'd disown me, and I can't handle that. I have to hide this from them."

"But why hide it from us?"

Nick's eyes pricked with tears and they fell down his face. "I don't know. I think because I've lived with my parents so long, I've heard what they said about people like us and I started to believe it. I didn't tell you guys because I didn't want to accept it, I didn't want to accept that there's something wrong with me."

Blaine's face softened and he shuffled forward a bit so that their knees were touching. "Nick, I – I don't know what to tell you. There isn't anything wrong with you, just like there's nothing wrong with me. This isn't something to be ashamed of."

"I know."

Blaine studied his face carefully. "Unless you're not necessarily ashamed of knowing you like men. You're ashamed that there IS a man that you have feelings for. Because before, you could just say you were confused and weren't sure. But now, you have to deal with accepting that you do like men because there's a man you love, and you don't know how you should feel about that."

"Get out of my head." Nick pushed Blaine back across the aisle and glared at him.

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help you. Jeff's great, he really is. You need to fix things with him, Nick. Even if he doesn't return your feelings, he'll still want to be your friend."

"Yeah. You're right."

Nick pulled out his phone and texted Jeff, asking if they could talk. Blaine moved back across the aisle and sat next to Nick this time as he wrapped an arm around the younger boy. After five minutes, the final bell was about to ring and Jeff hadn't texted Nick back.

"That's odd," Blaine commented. "Jeff always texts back immediately. Maybe he's just busy with class. Give him a few more minutes."

The final bell ring, though neither boy made any intention of moving. However, ten minutes passed and still no answer from Jeff. Blaine scrunched his eyebrows. "That's not normal for Jeff. We should go find him and make sure everything's okay."

"Okay," Nick agreed. "You check around his last period class, I'll go check his dorm." Blaine nodded and helped Nick to his feet. They walked out of the library and separated as they walked opposite ways; Nick towards the classrooms and Nick up a staircase to Jeff's dorm.

After a few minutes, Nick arrived at Jeff's room.

"Jeff?" Nick called out as he knocked tentatively on the door. Nick tried the handle and found it unlocked. He opened the door hesitantly and stuck his head in the room. "Jeff?"

He wasn't there. Nick stepped into the room and looked towards the bathroom. The door was shut, which Nick found odd. Jeff always left the door open.

"Jeff? You in there?" He received no answer. He tried the handle, but it wouldn't turn. "Jeff, seriously, we really need to talk. And I know you're in there, doors only lock from the inside. Please, unlock the door."

Still no answer. Nick pressed his ear against the door. He heard nothing at first, but then heard a voice. It sounded almost as though Jeff had something, but very faintly. Either he was talking to himself, or he didn't have the strength enough to speak loudly. Nick shuddered and pushed the latter thought out of his mind.

Nick pounded on the door. "Jeff, please. I'm begging you, please just let me in." Nick pounded on the door a few more times before he realized it was useless; Jeff had no intentions of opening the door for him.

Nick stepped back from the door and pulled his phone out. He scrolled through his contacts until it landed on Blaine's number. He pushed his thumb against the call button and held the phone to his ear. Blaine answered after only two rings.

"Hello? Nick, I haven't found him yet."

"I know. I found him. He's in his room, but he locked himself in his bathroom. He won't open the door, and he won't talk to me at all. I'm worried, what if he's –"

"I'll be right there, Nick, just stay with him."

Blaine hung up and Nick put his phone back in his pocket. He arrived five minutes later. Nick opened Jeff's dorm room door for Blaine to enter and they both walked over to the door.

"Jeff?" A clatter of something that sounded like plastic hitting the tiled floors met their ears. Nick was confused by the sound, and looked to Blaine.

Blaine, however, seemed to know exactly what was going on. A small sob broke from Blaine and he began pounding on the door. A few seconds later, a small, dull thud met their ears.

"No!" Blaine exclaimed and rammed himself against the door. After a few rams, the door burst open and Nick felt bile begin to rise in his throat. He pushed past Blaine and moved to the small boy lying on his side. Jeff was shirtless and Nick saw his arms and chest littered with cuts.

"Wha-?" Nick lowered himself to a kneeling position and his knee hit something. He looked down and saw a small exacto knife, the kind that were in the art room. Nick's brain suddenly put two and two together.

"No! No, Jeff, how could you have done this to yourself?" Nick sobbed. He vaguely heard Blaine's voice in the background and figured he was calling for help. Nick picked the knife up and put it off to the side and noticed a small bottle. He picked it up and stared at it for a second. He recognized the bottle; Jeff had been given it years ago when he was diagnosed with ADHD, but Nick never saw him take any of the pills. Nick's stomach dropped when he felt that the bottle was nearly empty. Jeff must have taken all of them just now.

Nick threw the bottle in anger and leaned down to hold Jeff. He grabbed him by his shoulder and hauled him up into a sitting position. And _God,_ Nick could see and feel Jeff's bones, he was so tiny. Another sob escaped his body as Jeff's eyes slid open a little bit.

"What the fuck, Jeff? What did you do?" Nick swore he saw a small smile pass over Jeff's lips before he lost consciousness again.

Paramedics arrived in the bathroom not much later. Nick relinquished his hold on Jeff and stepped out of the room, allowing the medics more room to do their job. Jeff was attached to a stretcher and hauled out of the room.

"Someone needs to go with him." The voice startled Nick. He turned and – oh right, Blaine had been here the whole time. Nick had forgotten that he hadn't been alone as soon as he saw Jeff. "I'm going to go with them. Go find David or Wes or Thad, okay? They'll look after you." Nick nodded and Blaine ran after Jeff.

However, as soon as he was alone, Nick didn't go find anyone. He walked back into the bathroom and sat down in the middle of the floor. A small amount of blood seeped through his uniform pants and Nick allowed himself to cry. The first cry sounded almost like a scream, and he did nothing to control it. He just cried until he couldn't anymore, and continued to sit in the bloody room. It was all he had left of his broken friend.

* * *

**A/N: **Only one chapter left! Hope you enjoyed :)

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	8. Little Talks

**A/N: **Oh boy, last chapter! This is written from Nick and Jeff's perspectives. For clarification, the first part with Nick's perspective is immediately following the last chapter. There's a time gap when moving to Jeff's perspective, and there's another time gap when switching back to Nick's.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. The title of the story and chapters are by Of Monsters and Men.

Warning: There are actually no warnings for this chapter. Woo!

* * *

Little Talks

Chapter 8: Little Talks

Nick didn't know how long he sat in the bloodstained bathroom before he felt strong arms lift him up and carry him away. He wasn't even aware that he was walking until he heard a door open in front of him.

"Nick?" Nick finally raised his eyes and saw Wes standing in front of him, clearly concerned. "We're at your dorm. I figured you probably want to get a shower and change your clothes. I'll be right here, okay? You go shower."

Nick nodded his head and went to his dresser to grab clean sweats and a plain shirt. He felt as though he was on auto-pilot. He showered without really paying attention to what he was doing and dressed without thinking about it. He walked back out into his dorm and was met by Wes, who stood from Nick's bed as he saw the younger boy exit the bathroom.

"Nick?" Wes asked hesitantly. That was all it took for Nick to break down yet again. He rushed forward and fell into Wes's arms. Wes was startled for a second before he quickly returned the hug. He felt Nick's knees collapse and lowered himself and Nick to the floor, keeping his arms locked around the boy.

"This is all my fault," Nick sobbed into Wes's shoulder, his tears falling thick and hot onto Wes's shirt. "I broke him, Wes! He's dying because of me, and I feel so terrible!"

"Hey, don't say that. No matter what happened, you didn't do this to Jeff, okay? He did this to himself."

"N-no, Wes, you don't understand. I _hurt_ him. My best friend, and I said those things to him and I hurt him so badly that it broke him! I can't ever take it back, either. He couldn't possibly ever forgive me for doing this to him."

Wes didn't understand what Nick was talking about, but he didn't push. Instead, he tightened his grip on the broken boy and continued to rub circles on his back. "He'll come around, Nick. Jeff is strong. He'll get better, he'll get stronger from this."

Nick simply sobbed and didn't respond.

* * *

Jeff stared straight ahead, not quite making eye contact with the young woman in front of him. He shifted around in the armchair he was seated in and drummed his fingers against the arms of the chair. This action didn't go unnoticed by the woman, who quickly jotted down a note. Jeff immediately stopped his fingers.

It was silent for a few more minutes before the woman finally asked a question.

"Well, Jeff, it's good that you're finally here. I assume you know why you're here?"

"Yes. I'm here because I can't cope and tried to kill myself."

"Yes, that's right," the woman said and nodded. "Can you tell me a bit about not coping? We'll come back to the suicide attempt in a little bit. How do you not cope?"

Jeff had nothing left to hide. Everyone knew he was broken, so he thought he may as well tell the truth. "I have a problem with cutting myself, as well as starving myself."

"And when did these problems start?"

"About four months ago."

"And why do you think they started when they did?"

Jeff shifted yet again. "Well, I fell in love. Sort of. I don't know if you'd call it love since it was still developing, and he didn't love me back, so I guess it was more of a crush than love. But I really liked him. He's – was – my best friend, and I cared about him a lot and really cared about his opinion. I decided that I would try to get him to like me back, so I started cutting out little bits of food before I eventually cut out food altogether. I thought maybe if my body looked nicer, he'd like me. I mean, he's not even gay. So it was improbable that he liked me, and I thought maybe if he saw a guy he liked, at least liked as a friend, with a really nice body, he might become interested and would possibly try being with me. Well, that never happened. So part of me thought that maybe body just wasn't good enough yet, so I kept starving. But he never noticed, no one did. No one ever said anything to me about it.

"And then the self-harm started about two months later. I came out to the guy I liked, because I wasn't out to anybody at that point, but I wanted to change that. But he didn't take it well. He was actually disgusted and ordered me out of his room. I was really distraught, so I just ran out of the room. I didn't notice where I was running, I just ended up in the art room at my school. I hid in a corner and there was a knife there, so I used it. And I never stopped using it."

The woman nodded sympathetically at Jeff before jotting down another note.

* * *

The new school year dawned on an unseasonably chilly late August morning. Because this was a boarding school, students were required to arrive on a Friday afternoon, with classes starting on Monday morning. Nick finished putting his clothing away in his dresser and put all of his blankets on his bed. After making sure he had done everything, he opened his door and stepped out into the hallway. He had been both dreading this moment and anxiously looking forward to it. He walked past five doors before stopping. He held his hand out, hesitating only briefly before knocking on the door. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and waited.

The door opened momentarily, and the two boys froze, staring at each other.

"Hey Jeff." If Nick had been nervous walking down the hall, it was nothing compared to how he felt now. Every nerve in his body wanted him to run away quickly before either he or Jeff got hurt.

"Hi Nick." Jeff's voice was quiet but still had strength in it, and he even managed a small smile. Nick smiled in return.

"Would I be able to come in for a few minutes? I understand if you say no, I really do, and I'll leave right now if you do."

"No, it's fine. Come on." Jeff stood back and allowed Nick to enter his room, closing the door behind the boy.

Nick stood awkwardly in the middle of the room before moving to sit down at Jeff's desk chair, while Jeff opted to sit on his bad. He crossed his legs and grabbed a pillow, putting it on his lap and bunching it up in his hands. "So, what's up?"

Nick ignored the attempt at small talk. "How have you been, Jeff?"

Jeff managed an actual smile. "I've actually been doing much better. I've had to see a therapist for a few months now and it's helped me a lot. I haven't starved in months and only cut once."

"That's really fantastic, man. I'm happy for you, I really am."

"Thank you."

Both boys sat in silence for a minute before Nick was able to say what he came to say.

"Jeff, I am so, so sorry. I could never say that to you enough. What I did to you and made you do to yourself – no one deserves that, Jeff, no one. I can't believe I did that to you. You're my best friend, it's my job to make you comfortable and feel like there's someone you can go to. And I failed you with that. And while you might not care about my reasoning for being such a jerk, my mindset thought it was okay for me to treat you like that. That doesn't make it okay, of course it doesn't. But Jeff, please understand that I never was angry at you. I didn't want to hurt you, I just lashed out at you. I can't take that back, but I really want to move past it and make you see that I didn't ever mean it."

Jeff moved his knees up to his chest, discarding the pillow in his lap. "What do you mean?"

"I – uhm, what do you mean what do I mean?"

"Sorry, I meant you said that your mindset made you think what you said was okay. What was your mindset? You said it doesn't matter, but it matters to me and I want to know. Help me understand."

"I – okay. I'll try." Nick stood from the chair and walked over to Jeff's bed, sitting down on the opposite bed. Jeff didn't seem to mind, and Nick took this as a good sign.

"Jeff, I had a lot going on when you came to me that night. I mean, yes, my relationship with everyone in my life was going well, and I wasn't stressed out by schoolwork or anything. But internally, my mind was hell. I was so hard on myself and I hated myself, I really did. Because I had a secret I was keeping, and I didn't want anyone to know. And when I saw you so nervous, I think I subconsciously knew what you were going to tell me. I don't mind that you're gay, Jeff. You're still Jeff to me, nothing more and nothing less. I still love you just the same. I just didn't know how to respond to that. And because I had so much going on in my mind, I lashed out at you, and I am so sorry Jeff. You deserve the best and I gave you the worst." Nick's voiced choked on the last word and tears began to run down his face. In front of him, Jeff's face mirrored his own with tears running down his face as well.

"Nick. You're not – you aren't the worst. And I'm trying to understand, I really am. But I just don't. I don't know enough yet to understand. You've always been confident, what happened? What could possibly make you hate yourself? I didn't think anyone was capable of hating you, let alone you."

Nicked swallowed thickly. "I'm gay."

Nick felt more tears run down his face and dropped his head, looking at the blanket on Jeff's bed. Everything had gone still, and Nick could hear every raspy breath that he and Jeff took in. Several minutes past before Nick felt a slight movement on the bed. He then felt a hand cup his chin and gently tilt his head upwards. "Why didn't you just say so?" Jeff's voice was still soft and held no anger or judgment.

"I was so scared," Nick said. His voice cracked and it came out as a whisper. "I thought people would view me differently, I thought people would hate me, I thought my parents would throw me out and I'd be all on my own and I couldn't handle that thought." Nick was crying in earnest now, large tears pouring out of his eyes and leaving tear tracks on his cheeks.

Surprisingly, Jeff moved forward and pulled Nick into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Jeff, I'm so, so sorry," Nick sobbed into his best friend's shoulder.

"I know. It's okay, Nicky, it really is." Jeff's voice was muted from being shoved into Nick's shoulder, but Nick heard him anyway.

"Please, Jeff. I'm not asking you to forgive me. But please, just please don't hate me. I know you may already and it's too late, but I really hope we can at least be near each other and not feel awkward."

Jeff was silent for a while, his head still shoved into the crook of Nick's neck and shoulder. He pulled back slowly and looked into Nick's eyes.

"We'll just have to try being near each other then, won't we?" Jeff asked.

Tears poured out of Nick's eyes, but a true, genuine smile filled his face for the first time in months. He nodded his head and pulled Jeff close again, wrapping his arms around the boy and refusing to let go for hours.

* * *

**A/N: **It's over! I really hope you guys liked it :) Thank you everyone for the reviews and alerts, it really does mean a lot to me.

Reviews=Love


	9. Little Talks Reprise?

Hello there my beautifuls :)

Though I finished this story a while ago, I've been heavily considering going back to it and rewriting it from Blaine's perspective. Kind of weird, yeah, but I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to this story. SO! Would that be something you'd be interested in reading? Please please let me know? Thanks!


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